Christmas Spirit

{First Snow | 12.11.10}

I used to decorate for Christmas right after Thanskgiving.  I would put up my tree and light my Christmas candles and listen to Christmas music (yes, I have a Celine Dion CD.  And it. is. AWESOME!) and get in the spirit of the season.  

This year I am having some trouble getting into the Christmas spirit.  My spirit, it seems, is overwhelmed and heavy. 


Last week, when I was driving home and thinking of all of the things that need to get done and the lists that I've been making in my head, and the New Year's resolution that I really want to stick to this year, I realized how my actions and my not being in the moment, were affecting those around me.  I also realized, driving along a dark road with no snow, that I was taking out my lack of Christmas cheer on my family.  I was so overwhelmed with all of the things going on - things that will be what they will be no matter how much I obsess over them or stress over them - that we hadn't put up our tree, yet, although Abby had asked repeatedly when we were going to.  And I found myself snapping at her; telling her we'd get to it when I was good and ready, all the while having no intention of really getting to it any time soon.  I had a couple of decorations out, but the majoirty of them still sat in totes downstairs. 

So yesterday, when I was sitting at work, stewing in my own Grinch-y-ness, I decided that no matter how many excuses I could make for not decorating and not getting into the Christmas spirit...we're going to be gone for Christmas this year, there's too  much stuff to have out with a baby in the house, it's cold downstairs and the totes are really heavy...it isn't about me this year.  Or any year, for that matter. 

It's about Abby's needed to maintain the traditions that we started with her a couple of Christmas' ago. 

And it's about Finn's first Christmas.  His FIRS CHRISTMAS!  I am missing out on the excitement and the newness and the making of memories for him because I can't shake my rain cloud.



And that's pretty shitty, right? 

This season is about my family and I need to shove aside those dark little thoughts and focus on just what is happening right in front of my face.  I came home yesterday and Uriah had put the treee up, so I put lights on it and lights in the windows.  And while the totes aren't competely unpacked, they are upstairs sitting in the middle of the living room where I can't miss them.  I have Christmas cookie dough in the refrigerator and it snowed last night.  Real, honest to goodness snow on the ground.

I feel the flutterings of my Christmas spirit in those tiny snowflakes; I'm being careful not to melt them.