Focus

Yesterday as Finneaus and I embarked on our morning walk, I breathed in deeply the smell of rain on the trail and pine hanging heavy on the air.  We struck off in the cool of the morning, hoping to get our route complete before the sun got too high and with it the humidity.  The wheels of the stroller squeeked, a dog barked at us from behind a fence, the little stream gurgled us along.  And yet, I struggled to center myself, I triped over my feet and rolled over branches that could have easily been avoided.   I stopped far earlier than normal for a water break, and though I was breathing heavily and I had sweat dripping down my back, I felt like I wasn't accomplishing what I set out to do: clear my head.

I feel like I have so much to do before Uriah's family gets here and he's been working a lot so that he can be off this weekend (his first weekend off since...April?!).  But instead of cleaning the living room and dusting, I've been sorting through Finn's clothes, putting away bottles and pacifiers, wiping blood off of his chin because his teeth are making his gums bleed.  I've been looking for a good birthday cake recipe and re-planning some menus.  I realize that this is all important stuff, but I also realize that I'm really just putting off the inevitable...the deep clean.  The floors and the windows.  Countertops and bathrooms.  Organizing some little holes that have accumulated piles of stuff that I haven't had the energy to put away yet.  You know...in the almost three months that I've been a full-time stay at home mom.  Don't judge.  It's harder than it looks.  And a heck of a lot lonlier than I anticipated.

It will get done, I'm sure.  The focus will come to me and in a fit of energy, my house will get cleaned - probably not until Thursday night, but I never claimed to be anything but a really good procrastinator and I've done some of my best work under the pressure of an imminent deadline.  In the meantime, I think the rain has let up enough that we can take our walk today and see if I can't jumpstart the head-clearing.