And so today, I start again.

Who wants to talk about weight again?!

You?  You?  Not you?

Okay, look at the beautiful fall pictures from northern Minnesota and my sweet little hiking partner, who hiked nearly all of Gooseberry Falls last week (just over a mile through the woods - and I only had to carry him a couple of times!) and then move on to something else because after these pretty fall pictures is some more talk about weight.  

I've always been really good at working toward something...a project deadline or a goal I've set for myself (the attainable ones, not the hundreds of out-of-reach goals that I set idealistically and often.).  For the longest time I was working towards the idea that, maybe, if I got my weight to a manageable point, we'd have another baby.  I wanted to be healthy the next time around.  I wanted to enjoy and savor another pregnancy and be not so ridiculously tired while I figured out another tiny human.  I had a plan as to timing and how I would get back to my pre-pregnancy weight (the weight I needed to be before I could have another baby) and I was certain that to do all of that that - to reach that ultimate 2nd baby goal - all I had to loose weight.

So I walked.  And I started Weight Watchers.  I biked and I attempted to run.  I hiked.  I pushed Finn in the stroller, pulled him in the wagon and dragged him behind the bike.  I sweated and cursed and pushed a little bit harder.  Somewhere along the way, however, the drive to reach that magic weight goal (which I set for myself as December of this year) waned.  It became more and more apparent that another small human to add to my menagerie was probably not in my future.  Without that ultimate goal, I stopped working hard.  I will not meet my goal weight by December and that makes me almost as sad as not having another baby because the goal was attainable - I should have been able to reach it.  I think about my weight every day - I remind myself that today I need to get out my pen and mark my points; today I most certainly do not need to eat a doughnut with my coffee; today I need to walk far and fast.  But sadness does funny things to ambition.

I learned something from almost a year at Weight Watchers, and so I haven't gained a lot of weight back, only about 5 pounds since the beginning of the summer.  But they're 5 sad pounds because I don't want them.  It's 5 steps back instead of 5 steps forward.  The weather is turning serious shades of grey and gloomy, and the air is brisk almost all day now.  In an effort to jump-start my efforts (and to seriously stop my hibernation mode), I had Uriah set up the Wii for me (which we hadn't done since we moved.).  I started a list of healthy things to eat and I've been to 3 weigh-ins in the past month.

This morning I pep-talked myself in the shower (it's my go-to pep-talk place because the only place that I'm relatively alone - except for Finn playing with his trucks on the floor.).  At the beginning of the year (when I was optimistic and loosing weight weekly and on track to meet my December deadline) my New Year's Resolution was to be kind to myself.  To that I am adding: one day at a time.  That's all I'm requiring of myself.  One day at a time.  Life sucks sometimes and we have to find a new path to hike down.  Suffice it to say that I'm finding a new path.

My first goal is 8 pounds by Thanksgiving.  That's a measly 1 pound a week, but I'm going to have to work hard to do it.  Breakfast (more than just coffee) every day and soups for lunch.  No snacking and nothing after 8 pm.  And I'm once again joining the 100 miles in 3 months challenge to help keep me on track.

But mostly: just one day at a time.

Tomorrow: soups for lunch - my list and the first two recipes.  And probably more talk about weight.  And maybe a cute picture of Finn thrown in to keep things less gloomy.