Mayday! Mayday!

{ April 2007 }

I am working very, very hard on stepping back and allowing my small humans to grow in their own ways these days, hence the quiet on the blog front.  You have no idea how hard this is for me - truthfully, everyone in this house is experiencing growing pains and I am exhausted by the end of the day.  I am struggling to be open to these outbursts of personality - to try to welcome their burgeoning uniqueness rather than to fight it and to embrace their decision-making abilities even when they are not decisions that I would make or how I would react.

With Abby this has been especially hard because she and I are so similar yet so, so different.  Somehow she got it screwed up in her head that she should have a say in chores/decisions/consequences (read: if she doesn't want to do it, why should she have to?).  She struggles mightily with authority and being told what to do (mostly just my authority and me telling her what to do - we've had zero issues with school, thank God.).  And I struggle not to wash my hands of her poor decision making habits/raging hormones/teen angst and walk away from the whole sordid emotional breakdown that seems to be happening again with more frequency.  I remind myself daily that the mentality of: "Well those are habits she learned before she came to live with us and you can't really teach an old dog new tricks, now can you?" does nothing to help or solve any underlying issues.  Oh, but it is hard.  I wish with much of my being that I could wipe away what it is she thinks a parent-child relationship is and show her that good parents give boundaries, even if the child doesn't like them.  Good parents ask for input, support good behavior and redirect bad behavior.  Good parents ultimately make the big decisions.  Good parents teach their kids that children do not dictate and poor choices have consequences.  Good parents...good parents...good parents.  I do not feel like a good parent.  Truly, she is 13 and the drama that she seems to wrap around herself like a security blanket can usually be whittled down to one or two main things that are bothering her.  The trick is to stay calm enough in the face of her angry words and an even uglier attitude to get to the bottom of what it is that's really bothering her.  And I am learning to say nothing when it's readily apparent that sometimes her outbursts are just about testing parental resolve and pushing the limits.  

Having a conversation with a 13 year old inevitably turns into an argument these days because, you know, she's so grown up and has it all together and really does see the big picture however, logic takes a back-seat to everyone else's parents do this or that or the other, why do you have to be so different?  And her reactions and her thought process are so tunnel-visioned that I can't even point out to her that she is not, in fact, seeing the big picture because she's so focused on what's right in front of her and how everything affects her.  Her...her...her.  It is really incredible how selfish teenagers can be (and trust me, I know it's not just my kid!) but I shudder to think that I spoke to my mom with such a sharp tongue, or rolled my eyes at my dad so hard they might very well be stuck in the back of my head to this day had it not been for them standing their ground firmly.  I suppose the additional 20 years of maturing I have on her makes a difference, too.

I feel as though I'm constantly discussing how the decisions that both Abby and Finn are making are affecting themselves, me, their dad, each other.  But isn't that what parenting is, after all?  A constant classroom in the school of life?  And if so, why do I feel like I'm failing 9 days out of 7?  Do other parents feel this as acutely as I do - or is this another of those ebb and flow parts of life.  I am sure that there will be smooth days to balance these difficult days.  Right?  Smooth days ahead...before her high school graduation?

In the meantime, I guess I will firmly cinch my life vest and look for shore, because these waters are rough and I am getting sea sick.