These are the things they don't tell you...

Let me preface this by announcing that I am extremely jealous of all of the women who tell me that pregnancy was the best they'd ever felt in their lives, that they glowed the entire 9 months and it was a magical and glorious and giving birth was equally as wonderful, magical, glorious.

I. Hate. These. Women.

So, since I'm not going to give birth to a teeny tiny angel baby made of cotton and marshmallow fluff, here's what I've found out:

1. My feet grew. Shoes that I thought I'd be able to wear for at least the first few months (read: cute red heels) do not fit, nor will they be comfortable if I squish my fat feet into them. I wear flip-flops.
   
2. My skin is so dry. And it itches and no amount of lotion will help. Maybe a lotion bath...
3. My eyes are dry. After about 3 hours in contacts I feel the urge to tear my eyes out of my head.
   
4. Food does not taste good. I let Uriah make dinner and not tell me what he's making because if it sounds good one minute, no doubt I'll want something else by the time I get home.
   
5. I sneeze. A lot. And randomly.
6. My back hurts for no apparent reason - well there is a reason (small human being growing), but sometimes it takes my breath away. A couple of times when Uriah has rubbed it, it hurt worse, bit I will not tell him that or he may never rub my back again. I just thank him for his time, then went down the hall to quietly weep.
7. I am so tired. Bone weary and achingly tired. And I wake up tired. My eye lids are be tired. So is my hair and my elbow and my little toe. Everything is tired.
   
8. I have dreamed very weird and vivid dreams and I feel like they probably have some sort of meaning - water dreams signify the baby floating around and all that New Age hokey. I have decided to disregard any dreams about old boyfriends or the sex of your baby. Neither means anything...especially since I've dreamed that the baby is both a boy and a girl (and once even twins). I am not having twins and I would like either a boy or a girl.
   
9. Obviously I have gained weight. I have very good intentions of going to the gym to fight the flab, bit since I'm so dang tired, it's hit or miss. Usually miss.
   
10. I crave fruit. However, going to the grocery store is like a drunk going into a bar. Last week I turned in slow circles in the produce section as I was being assaulted by the most wonderful smells and was not quite sure where to start. I wanted one of everything, but bringing home an entire pineapple would probably be a waste.
    
11. I have had some of the worst headaches. Allegedly this is from the influx of blood in my bod. I've tried to work through the pain, but I'm a pansy, and I really just wish I could take a bunch of aleve and snooze it away. Not acceptable to drug the baby, though, so I consider it pre-training for giving birth. I've heard that hurts a hell of a lot worse.

I've gotten some good advice, though...like, enjoy the quiet moments imagining what the baby will look like and act like and think and say and do; sleep when I can; buy diapers in bulk; eat bananas for cramps; borrow whatever I can from friends and family who already have kids. Mostly, though, people love to tel me that I will forget all the hard and painful aspects of pregnancy (and childbirth) when I meet my mini-me for the first time. I'm trying to write things down, though, because I don't want to forget anything about this time. In spite of the headaches and the body aches and the lack of interest in food...this is the most exciting and amazing thing I think I've ever done in my whole entire life.

Let me preface this by announcing that I am extremely jealous of all of the women who tell me that pregnancy was the best they'd ever felt in their lives, that they glowed the entire 9 months and it was a magical and glorious and giving birth was equally as wonderful, magical, glorious.

I. Hate. These. Women.

So, since I'm not going to give birth to a teeny tiny angel baby made of cotton and marshmallow fluff, here's what I've found out:

1. My feet grew. Shoes that I thought I'd be able to wear for at least the first few months (read: cute red heels) do not fit, nor will they be comfortable if I squish my fat feet into them. I wear flip-flops.
   
2. My skin is so dry. And it itches and no amount of lotion will help. Maybe a lotion bath...
3. My eyes are dry. After about 3 hours in contacts I feel the urge to tear my eyes out of my head.
   
4. Food does not taste good. I let Uriah make dinner and not tell me what he's making because if it sounds good one minute, no doubt I'll want something else by the time I get home.
   
5. I sneeze. A lot. And randomly.
6. My back hurts for no apparent reason - well there is a reason (small human being growing), but sometimes it takes my breath away. A couple of times when Uriah has rubbed it, it hurt worse, bit I will not tell him that or he may never rub my back again. I just thank him for his time, then went down the hall to quietly weep.
7. I am so tired. Bone weary and achingly tired. And I wake up tired. My eye lids are be tired. So is my hair and my elbow and my little toe. Everything is tired.
   
8. I have dreamed very weird and vivid dreams and I feel like they probably have some sort of meaning - water dreams signify the baby floating around and all that New Age hokey. I have decided to disregard any dreams about old boyfriends or the sex of your baby. Neither means anything...especially since I've dreamed that the baby is both a boy and a girl (and once even twins). I am not having twins and I would like either a boy or a girl.
   
9. Obviously I have gained weight. I have very good intentions of going to the gym to fight the flab, bit since I'm so dang tired, it's hit or miss. Usually miss.
   
10. I crave fruit. However, going to the grocery store is like a drunk going into a bar. Last week I turned in slow circles in the produce section as I was being assaulted by the most wonderful smells and was not quite sure where to start. I wanted one of everything, but bringing home an entire pineapple would probably be a waste.
    
11. I have had some of the worst headaches. Allegedly this is from the influx of blood in my bod. I've tried to work through the pain, but I'm a pansy, and I really just wish I could take a bunch of aleve and snooze it away. Not acceptable to drug the baby, though, so I consider it pre-training for giving birth. I've heard that hurts a hell of a lot worse.

I've gotten some good advice, though...like, enjoy the quiet moments imagining what the baby will look like and act like and think and say and do; sleep when I can; buy diapers in bulk; eat bananas for cramps; borrow whatever I can from friends and family who already have kids. Mostly, though, people love to tel me that I will forget all the hard and painful aspects of pregnancy (and childbirth) when I meet my mini-me for the first time. I'm trying to write things down, though, because I don't want to forget anything about this time. In spite of the headaches and the body aches and the lack of interest in food...this is the most exciting and amazing thing I think I've ever done in my whole entire life.