Virtual Motivation (guest post)

I'm guest-posting this week over at 100 Miles in 3 Months about virtual motivation...and visual motivation.  Check it out here!

I'm guest-posting this week over at 100 Miles in 3 Months about virtual motivation...and visual motivation.  Check it out here!

On my mind today...the weight of things.

• I feel like my days have been loaded with thoughts of food and weight and body-analysis.
• What can I eat? What shouldn't I eat?  What do I want to eat?
• Is it warm enough to go outside?
• Should I do yoga on the Wii? Obviously, but I don't really want to.
• My yoga pants are obviously not for yoga.
• Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life? Constantly thinking about food?
• Is the alternative somehow better? Not thinking about food, but then, not really being comfortable in my own skin?
• Who has time for this over-analyzing?  Obviously, I do.
• One step forward, 9 steps back.
• Get out and hike a bit with 30 extra pounds of wiggling, giggling Finn strapped to my back.
• Slip and fall (but don't get hurt).  Enjoy the view.  And then stuck in the house because sub-zero temperatures and wind make going outside a suicide mission.
• When do I get to feel comfortable?  10 pounds?  25?  When I hit my 40 lb goal?
• And when I get there, then what?  It's probably best not to worry about that right now.
• Let's just focus on getting there.
• Focus on getting off of this plateau that I'm perched on and can't seem to jump down from.
• One step forward, 9 steps back.
• Should I dare to cut back on the carbs again?  
• I hate cutting things out - denying myself.  I lack will-power. 
• Maybe I'll focus on telling myself I don't want something rather than I can't have it. 
• Mind games.  Weight loss is a mind game if ever I saw one.
• Baby steps to the elevator.  
• Maybe those 9 steps back will be baby steps and the one step forward can be a giant step.
• Thank you for listening, I'm going back to my menu planning now.

• I feel like my days have been loaded with thoughts of food and weight and body-analysis.
• What can I eat? What shouldn't I eat?  What do I want to eat?
• Is it warm enough to go outside?
• Should I do yoga on the Wii? Obviously, but I don't really want to.
• My yoga pants are obviously not for yoga.
• Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life? Constantly thinking about food?
• Is the alternative somehow better? Not thinking about food, but then, not really being comfortable in my own skin?
• Who has time for this over-analyzing?  Obviously, I do.
• One step forward, 9 steps back.
• Get out and hike a bit with 30 extra pounds of wiggling, giggling Finn strapped to my back.
• Slip and fall (but don't get hurt).  Enjoy the view.  And then stuck in the house because sub-zero temperatures and wind make going outside a suicide mission.
• When do I get to feel comfortable?  10 pounds?  25?  When I hit my 40 lb goal?
• And when I get there, then what?  It's probably best not to worry about that right now.
• Let's just focus on getting there.
• Focus on getting off of this plateau that I'm perched on and can't seem to jump down from.
• One step forward, 9 steps back.
• Should I dare to cut back on the carbs again?  
• I hate cutting things out - denying myself.  I lack will-power. 
• Maybe I'll focus on telling myself I don't want something rather than I can't have it. 
• Mind games.  Weight loss is a mind game if ever I saw one.
• Baby steps to the elevator.  
• Maybe those 9 steps back will be baby steps and the one step forward can be a giant step.
• Thank you for listening, I'm going back to my menu planning now.

Getting my crap together.

Today is day 3 of making a valiant effort to feel better on the outside and day 410 of trying to feel better on the inside.

I showered this morning - after I worked out (Uriah really had to kick my butt into gear this morning because it was damn cold outside, but as usual, I am so glad he did).  I curled my hair and I applied some make-up.  I am wearing jeans today, but I dressed it up with a shirt and a sweater that cannot be classified as a cardigan.  I did not put on any perfume, but I did apply deodorant, so I think that counts.

Yesterday I wore a skirt.  I don't know if it was the purply-flowyness every time I moved or the apron I put on to make play dough and never took off, but sometime after lunch I was possessed to clean Abby's room (13 year olds are such slovenly humans.). I kept expecting the cast and crew of hoarders to show up at my house at any moment. The girl throws nothing away.  Old magazines that she's torn pictures out of? Found them. Ripped up pieces of construction paper? Found those, too. I found socks and hair bands and a zillion bobby pins.  Don't get me started on what was underneath her bed.  And also, clothes that no longer fit (although her dad has the same penchant for hanging onto things he wore in high school, so at least I know where she gets it from.).  I cleaned and de-cluttered and set a standard of cleanliness that will, hopefully, slowly leach into other corners of our house (hello, closet by the door that has random junk shoved in it from when we moved.  You are next.).

All in all, this getting dressed in real clothes and putting on make-up and doing my hair is making me a domestic goddess.  Who would have thought?

As for feeling good on the insides, that is a slow damn process.  I wish weight came off as quickly and as easily as it goes on, but I am fueling that process with more fruits and veggies.  It started when I was visiting my sister after my prince of a nephew was born.  They had a huge bowl of cut-up oranges and grapefruits in their refrigerator (quick fuel for a new mom, why didn't I think of that?) and they pulled it out with just about every meal.  Last week I was visiting with one of my MomFriends during a much-needed play-date and she was talking about how they were visiting family over the holidays and her girls snacked on a huge veggie tray that was out - they'd just grab a piece as they ran by.  It finally clicked in my head: what an awesome way to get more fruits and veggies into the small humans with little effort!

So last week I got a cantaloupe and a watermelon from the store.  I cut them up and put the chunks in a huge bowl.  Between Finn, Abby and I we polished that fruit off in 2 days!  I couldn't believe it.  Finn and I made a trip to the grocery store earlier this week and he helped me pick out a bunch of fruit - we picked out oranges and apples and pears, Finn requested cantaloupe again, and we got grapes, blackberries and bananas   We cut it all up (I let Finn use a butter knife to "help" me), tossed it with some honey, lemon and lime juice and I pull it out for every meal and let them take as much fruit as they want.  They take a lot.

It has been a huge success, plus it's a quick go-to snack for me or when my sweet tooth is singing loud and clear.  I'm going to need to get more fruit tomorrow.  Abby has requested strawberries this time, and I really don't even care about the price of fruit in this off-season (Strawberries?  Watermelon?  In January?!) because I know it's not going to waste and it's healthy.

Next week I'm going to give some cut-up veggies and fat-free dill dip a try and see if we have similar snacking success.

Today is day 3 of making a valiant effort to feel better on the outside and day 410 of trying to feel better on the inside.

I showered this morning - after I worked out (Uriah really had to kick my butt into gear this morning because it was damn cold outside, but as usual, I am so glad he did).  I curled my hair and I applied some make-up.  I am wearing jeans today, but I dressed it up with a shirt and a sweater that cannot be classified as a cardigan.  I did not put on any perfume, but I did apply deodorant, so I think that counts.

Yesterday I wore a skirt.  I don't know if it was the purply-flowyness every time I moved or the apron I put on to make play dough and never took off, but sometime after lunch I was possessed to clean Abby's room (13 year olds are such slovenly humans.). I kept expecting the cast and crew of hoarders to show up at my house at any moment. The girl throws nothing away.  Old magazines that she's torn pictures out of? Found them. Ripped up pieces of construction paper? Found those, too. I found socks and hair bands and a zillion bobby pins.  Don't get me started on what was underneath her bed.  And also, clothes that no longer fit (although her dad has the same penchant for hanging onto things he wore in high school, so at least I know where she gets it from.).  I cleaned and de-cluttered and set a standard of cleanliness that will, hopefully, slowly leach into other corners of our house (hello, closet by the door that has random junk shoved in it from when we moved.  You are next.).

All in all, this getting dressed in real clothes and putting on make-up and doing my hair is making me a domestic goddess.  Who would have thought?

As for feeling good on the insides, that is a slow damn process.  I wish weight came off as quickly and as easily as it goes on, but I am fueling that process with more fruits and veggies.  It started when I was visiting my sister after my prince of a nephew was born.  They had a huge bowl of cut-up oranges and grapefruits in their refrigerator (quick fuel for a new mom, why didn't I think of that?) and they pulled it out with just about every meal.  Last week I was visiting with one of my MomFriends during a much-needed play-date and she was talking about how they were visiting family over the holidays and her girls snacked on a huge veggie tray that was out - they'd just grab a piece as they ran by.  It finally clicked in my head: what an awesome way to get more fruits and veggies into the small humans with little effort!

So last week I got a cantaloupe and a watermelon from the store.  I cut them up and put the chunks in a huge bowl.  Between Finn, Abby and I we polished that fruit off in 2 days!  I couldn't believe it.  Finn and I made a trip to the grocery store earlier this week and he helped me pick out a bunch of fruit - we picked out oranges and apples and pears, Finn requested cantaloupe again, and we got grapes, blackberries and bananas   We cut it all up (I let Finn use a butter knife to "help" me), tossed it with some honey, lemon and lime juice and I pull it out for every meal and let them take as much fruit as they want.  They take a lot.

It has been a huge success, plus it's a quick go-to snack for me or when my sweet tooth is singing loud and clear.  I'm going to need to get more fruit tomorrow.  Abby has requested strawberries this time, and I really don't even care about the price of fruit in this off-season (Strawberries?  Watermelon?  In January?!) because I know it's not going to waste and it's healthy.

Next week I'm going to give some cut-up veggies and fat-free dill dip a try and see if we have similar snacking success.

A meal doesn't always have to have meat. {Butternut Bisque}

Do not give up on soup (side eye to Sarah, who claims to not like soup, but whom I saw eat two bowls of this at our sister Emily's baby shower.  And I left the remaining soup at her house!).

What I like the most about soup is that stretches to become a couple of meals in this house.  I always make a big pot of it and then I eat on it for my lunches for the rest of the week.  They heat up quickly and for the most part help me stay well within my points allotment for the day.  In addition to one meal of soup a week (usually Sunday or Monday as per my new menu-planning), I'm also trying to get in one meatless meal a week.  I think it's good for us to venture into some different - even fish-less  - meals.  I hesitate to use vegetarian  because we all know how my husband reacts to a meal that includes no meat (not well...not well at all.).  This soup kills two birds with one stone - it is meatless and a soup.

And my husband ate it happily and requested that I make it again.  I think that's all the endorsement something that has no pig, cow, or bird in it needs.

Also - do you do a meatless night at your house?  What are some of your favorite recipes?


Butternut Bisque
(Serves 12)
Nutrition Facts per serving: 117 calories | 5.4 g fat | 2.6 g protein | 17.1 carbs | 2.8 g fiber | 3 WWP

• 3 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 2 garlic cloves, sliced
• ½ teaspoon dried thyme
• ¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon
• scant ¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper
• coarse salt
• 1 large butternut squash (about 4 lbs), peeled, seeded and cut into 1-inch cubes
• 4 cups chicken broth*
• 1 cup half-and-half**
• Sour cream for garnish

In a large stock pot, heat butter over medium heat.  Add onion, garlic, thyme, cinnamon, and cayenne to taste.  Season with salt and cook, stirring occasionally, until onion is softened, 5 to 7 minutes.

Add squash and broth.  Bring to a boil; reduce to a simmer, and cook until quash is tender, about 20 minutes.

Working in batches, puree in a blender until smooth (or use an immersion blender or if you don't want to pull out any gadgets, mash it with a potato masher in your soup pot).  Return to pot, stir in half-and-half and heat through until warm (do not boil).  Season with salt.  To serve, divide among bowls and top each with 1 tablespoon sour cream; garnish with additional cayenne if desired.

Adapted from Martha Stewart Everyday Food Light Cookbook, 2011

*Original recipe called for 1 can chicken stock and 3 cups water.  I usually have chicken stock on hand in my freezer, so I just used 4 cups of stock.
**Use fat free half-and-half for even healthier results.

Do not give up on soup (side eye to Sarah, who claims to not like soup, but whom I saw eat two bowls of this at our sister Emily's baby shower.  And I left the remaining soup at her house!).

What I like the most about soup is that stretches to become a couple of meals in this house.  I always make a big pot of it and then I eat on it for my lunches for the rest of the week.  They heat up quickly and for the most part help me stay well within my points allotment for the day.  In addition to one meal of soup a week (usually Sunday or Monday as per my new menu-planning), I'm also trying to get in one meatless meal a week.  I think it's good for us to venture into some different - even fish-less  - meals.  I hesitate to use vegetarian  because we all know how my husband reacts to a meal that includes no meat (not well...not well at all.).  This soup kills two birds with one stone - it is meatless and a soup.

And my husband ate it happily and requested that I make it again.  I think that's all the endorsement something that has no pig, cow, or bird in it needs.

Also - do you do a meatless night at your house?  What are some of your favorite recipes?


Butternut Bisque
(Serves 12)
Nutrition Facts per serving: 117 calories | 5.4 g fat | 2.6 g protein | 17.1 carbs | 2.8 g fiber | 3 WWP

• 3 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 2 garlic cloves, sliced
• ½ teaspoon dried thyme
• ¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon
• scant ¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper
• coarse salt
• 1 large butternut squash (about 4 lbs), peeled, seeded and cut into 1-inch cubes
• 4 cups chicken broth*
• 1 cup half-and-half**
• Sour cream for garnish

In a large stock pot, heat butter over medium heat.  Add onion, garlic, thyme, cinnamon, and cayenne to taste.  Season with salt and cook, stirring occasionally, until onion is softened, 5 to 7 minutes.

Add squash and broth.  Bring to a boil; reduce to a simmer, and cook until quash is tender, about 20 minutes.

Working in batches, puree in a blender until smooth (or use an immersion blender or if you don't want to pull out any gadgets, mash it with a potato masher in your soup pot).  Return to pot, stir in half-and-half and heat through until warm (do not boil).  Season with salt.  To serve, divide among bowls and top each with 1 tablespoon sour cream; garnish with additional cayenne if desired.

Adapted from Martha Stewart Everyday Food Light Cookbook, 2011

*Original recipe called for 1 can chicken stock and 3 cups water.  I usually have chicken stock on hand in my freezer, so I just used 4 cups of stock.
**Use fat free half-and-half for even healthier results.

After Thanksgiving Turkey Turnovers

I look forward to After Thanksgiving Turkey Turnovers every year.  I love these.  Love, love, love them.  Especially since Uriah makes gravy to go with them - and he is the gravy king.  You could easily use some sort of packet, mix in water and go, brown gravy mix for these.  They would be just as good.  And if you have some leftover stuffing, add a little of that to the turkey and condensed soup mixture (does it get any more Minnesotan than adding cream of mushroom soup to something?).

I would have served these with leftover cranberries, but we didn't have any of those left by the time I got around to making turnovers this week.  Really, I'm lucky I was able to make any turkey turnovers this year since there wasn't much left in the way of leftovers.  They are not the best dinner option WW points-wise, coming in at about a whopping 15 per turnover (not counting the gravy!  But I tend not to count gravy as points or calories; it should be viewed as angel nectar and therefore free of all things bad for you.). In their defense, these turnovers are sort of large and they are very filling and if you pair it with a dinner salad, you've got a pretty decent meal (I usually save my biggest points meal for dinner, so this works for me.).  If I were to eat this for lunch (which I did.  Yesterday.  Minus the gravy.  Go ahead and judge - once a year, people!), I would only eat half of it and still pair it with a big salad to bulk up my meal, which would easily be a satisfying mid-day meal

And also...am I the only one who's getting a tad bored with turkey for every meal?  It's time to add some fish to my menu.  And Christmas cookies!

Turkey Turnovers
Makes about 5-6 turnovers

• 1 lb ground turkey (or 1 1/2 cups leftover turkey, cubed)
• 10 oz. cream of mushroom soup
• 1 tablespoon water
• 1/2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
• 2 cups flour
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 cup shortening
• 1/4 cup ice water
• 1 egg yolk
• 1 tablespoon water

Preheat oven to 450 degrees.  Cook ground turkey if that's what you're using or chop up leftover turkey.  Combine cooked turkey, cream of mushroom soup, water, and Worcestershire sauce.  Set aside.

To make the pastry, combine flour and salt.  Cut in shortening and add ice water slowly just until combined.  Gather pastry dough together into a disk, cover with plastic wrap and allow to chill in the refrigerator for about 30 minutes, or quick chill in the freezer for 10-15 minutes.  

Roll out pastry dough and cut into 5 -  6" squares (mine might have been a tad bigger than 6").  Put about 1/4 cup of filling into each square, making sure to get a little bit of the turkey into the corners of the pastry, and fold pastry to form a triangle.  Seal edges with a fork.  Place on a cookie sheet.  Beat egg yolk and water lightly with a fork and brush over the tops of triangles.  Prick tops of pastry several times with a fork.

Bake for 15-25 minutes or until brown on top.

Make your favorite gravy and serve over the top of the turnovers. 

I look forward to After Thanksgiving Turkey Turnovers every year.  I love these.  Love, love, love them.  Especially since Uriah makes gravy to go with them - and he is the gravy king.  You could easily use some sort of packet, mix in water and go, brown gravy mix for these.  They would be just as good.  And if you have some leftover stuffing, add a little of that to the turkey and condensed soup mixture (does it get any more Minnesotan than adding cream of mushroom soup to something?).

I would have served these with leftover cranberries, but we didn't have any of those left by the time I got around to making turnovers this week.  Really, I'm lucky I was able to make any turkey turnovers this year since there wasn't much left in the way of leftovers.  They are not the best dinner option WW points-wise, coming in at about a whopping 15 per turnover (not counting the gravy!  But I tend not to count gravy as points or calories; it should be viewed as angel nectar and therefore free of all things bad for you.). In their defense, these turnovers are sort of large and they are very filling and if you pair it with a dinner salad, you've got a pretty decent meal (I usually save my biggest points meal for dinner, so this works for me.).  If I were to eat this for lunch (which I did.  Yesterday.  Minus the gravy.  Go ahead and judge - once a year, people!), I would only eat half of it and still pair it with a big salad to bulk up my meal, which would easily be a satisfying mid-day meal

And also...am I the only one who's getting a tad bored with turkey for every meal?  It's time to add some fish to my menu.  And Christmas cookies!

Turkey Turnovers
Makes about 5-6 turnovers

• 1 lb ground turkey (or 1 1/2 cups leftover turkey, cubed)
• 10 oz. cream of mushroom soup
• 1 tablespoon water
• 1/2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
• 2 cups flour
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 cup shortening
• 1/4 cup ice water
• 1 egg yolk
• 1 tablespoon water

Preheat oven to 450 degrees.  Cook ground turkey if that's what you're using or chop up leftover turkey.  Combine cooked turkey, cream of mushroom soup, water, and Worcestershire sauce.  Set aside.

To make the pastry, combine flour and salt.  Cut in shortening and add ice water slowly just until combined.  Gather pastry dough together into a disk, cover with plastic wrap and allow to chill in the refrigerator for about 30 minutes, or quick chill in the freezer for 10-15 minutes.  

Roll out pastry dough and cut into 5 -  6" squares (mine might have been a tad bigger than 6").  Put about 1/4 cup of filling into each square, making sure to get a little bit of the turkey into the corners of the pastry, and fold pastry to form a triangle.  Seal edges with a fork.  Place on a cookie sheet.  Beat egg yolk and water lightly with a fork and brush over the tops of triangles.  Prick tops of pastry several times with a fork.

Bake for 15-25 minutes or until brown on top.

Make your favorite gravy and serve over the top of the turnovers. 

And so today, I start again.

Who wants to talk about weight again?!

You?  You?  Not you?

Okay, look at the beautiful fall pictures from northern Minnesota and my sweet little hiking partner, who hiked nearly all of Gooseberry Falls last week (just over a mile through the woods - and I only had to carry him a couple of times!) and then move on to something else because after these pretty fall pictures is some more talk about weight.  

I've always been really good at working toward something...a project deadline or a goal I've set for myself (the attainable ones, not the hundreds of out-of-reach goals that I set idealistically and often.).  For the longest time I was working towards the idea that, maybe, if I got my weight to a manageable point, we'd have another baby.  I wanted to be healthy the next time around.  I wanted to enjoy and savor another pregnancy and be not so ridiculously tired while I figured out another tiny human.  I had a plan as to timing and how I would get back to my pre-pregnancy weight (the weight I needed to be before I could have another baby) and I was certain that to do all of that that - to reach that ultimate 2nd baby goal - all I had to loose weight.

So I walked.  And I started Weight Watchers.  I biked and I attempted to run.  I hiked.  I pushed Finn in the stroller, pulled him in the wagon and dragged him behind the bike.  I sweated and cursed and pushed a little bit harder.  Somewhere along the way, however, the drive to reach that magic weight goal (which I set for myself as December of this year) waned.  It became more and more apparent that another small human to add to my menagerie was probably not in my future.  Without that ultimate goal, I stopped working hard.  I will not meet my goal weight by December and that makes me almost as sad as not having another baby because the goal was attainable - I should have been able to reach it.  I think about my weight every day - I remind myself that today I need to get out my pen and mark my points; today I most certainly do not need to eat a doughnut with my coffee; today I need to walk far and fast.  But sadness does funny things to ambition.

I learned something from almost a year at Weight Watchers, and so I haven't gained a lot of weight back, only about 5 pounds since the beginning of the summer.  But they're 5 sad pounds because I don't want them.  It's 5 steps back instead of 5 steps forward.  The weather is turning serious shades of grey and gloomy, and the air is brisk almost all day now.  In an effort to jump-start my efforts (and to seriously stop my hibernation mode), I had Uriah set up the Wii for me (which we hadn't done since we moved.).  I started a list of healthy things to eat and I've been to 3 weigh-ins in the past month.

This morning I pep-talked myself in the shower (it's my go-to pep-talk place because the only place that I'm relatively alone - except for Finn playing with his trucks on the floor.).  At the beginning of the year (when I was optimistic and loosing weight weekly and on track to meet my December deadline) my New Year's Resolution was to be kind to myself.  To that I am adding: one day at a time.  That's all I'm requiring of myself.  One day at a time.  Life sucks sometimes and we have to find a new path to hike down.  Suffice it to say that I'm finding a new path.

My first goal is 8 pounds by Thanksgiving.  That's a measly 1 pound a week, but I'm going to have to work hard to do it.  Breakfast (more than just coffee) every day and soups for lunch.  No snacking and nothing after 8 pm.  And I'm once again joining the 100 miles in 3 months challenge to help keep me on track.

But mostly: just one day at a time.

Tomorrow: soups for lunch - my list and the first two recipes.  And probably more talk about weight.  And maybe a cute picture of Finn thrown in to keep things less gloomy.

Who wants to talk about weight again?!

You?  You?  Not you?

Okay, look at the beautiful fall pictures from northern Minnesota and my sweet little hiking partner, who hiked nearly all of Gooseberry Falls last week (just over a mile through the woods - and I only had to carry him a couple of times!) and then move on to something else because after these pretty fall pictures is some more talk about weight.  

I've always been really good at working toward something...a project deadline or a goal I've set for myself (the attainable ones, not the hundreds of out-of-reach goals that I set idealistically and often.).  For the longest time I was working towards the idea that, maybe, if I got my weight to a manageable point, we'd have another baby.  I wanted to be healthy the next time around.  I wanted to enjoy and savor another pregnancy and be not so ridiculously tired while I figured out another tiny human.  I had a plan as to timing and how I would get back to my pre-pregnancy weight (the weight I needed to be before I could have another baby) and I was certain that to do all of that that - to reach that ultimate 2nd baby goal - all I had to loose weight.

So I walked.  And I started Weight Watchers.  I biked and I attempted to run.  I hiked.  I pushed Finn in the stroller, pulled him in the wagon and dragged him behind the bike.  I sweated and cursed and pushed a little bit harder.  Somewhere along the way, however, the drive to reach that magic weight goal (which I set for myself as December of this year) waned.  It became more and more apparent that another small human to add to my menagerie was probably not in my future.  Without that ultimate goal, I stopped working hard.  I will not meet my goal weight by December and that makes me almost as sad as not having another baby because the goal was attainable - I should have been able to reach it.  I think about my weight every day - I remind myself that today I need to get out my pen and mark my points; today I most certainly do not need to eat a doughnut with my coffee; today I need to walk far and fast.  But sadness does funny things to ambition.

I learned something from almost a year at Weight Watchers, and so I haven't gained a lot of weight back, only about 5 pounds since the beginning of the summer.  But they're 5 sad pounds because I don't want them.  It's 5 steps back instead of 5 steps forward.  The weather is turning serious shades of grey and gloomy, and the air is brisk almost all day now.  In an effort to jump-start my efforts (and to seriously stop my hibernation mode), I had Uriah set up the Wii for me (which we hadn't done since we moved.).  I started a list of healthy things to eat and I've been to 3 weigh-ins in the past month.

This morning I pep-talked myself in the shower (it's my go-to pep-talk place because the only place that I'm relatively alone - except for Finn playing with his trucks on the floor.).  At the beginning of the year (when I was optimistic and loosing weight weekly and on track to meet my December deadline) my New Year's Resolution was to be kind to myself.  To that I am adding: one day at a time.  That's all I'm requiring of myself.  One day at a time.  Life sucks sometimes and we have to find a new path to hike down.  Suffice it to say that I'm finding a new path.

My first goal is 8 pounds by Thanksgiving.  That's a measly 1 pound a week, but I'm going to have to work hard to do it.  Breakfast (more than just coffee) every day and soups for lunch.  No snacking and nothing after 8 pm.  And I'm once again joining the 100 miles in 3 months challenge to help keep me on track.

But mostly: just one day at a time.

Tomorrow: soups for lunch - my list and the first two recipes.  And probably more talk about weight.  And maybe a cute picture of Finn thrown in to keep things less gloomy.

On weight.

My intention in life was never to be a fat person, as I suppose it isn't truly the intention of anyone.  I didn't want weight to define me, and probably to most people, it's a non-issue - I like to think that fat, skinny, toned or beefy - whatever your body type, people look inside first.  That certainly is the case with my husband, who has never made me feel less than beautiful.  He finds me mildly amusing, he likes to hold my hand, and he tells me how much he loves me every single day.  The things he finds attractive about me have nothing to do with what the scale says.

But the fact is that I have allowed weight to define me.

Gaining weight is so easy; effortless, really.  It happened practically over night.  It happened in and around life happening - between jobs and boyfriends and moves.  It happened while I was falling in love.  It happened while we navigated family court.  It happened in the months leading up to my wedding.  It happened every week between Monday and Sunday.  It gained momentum over me and before I could stop it, I weighed more than I had ever thought possible for myself.  And even as the scale tipped in a precarious direction, I seemed unable to permanently change the course I was on.  My weight fluctuated based on what I wanted at the time.  It was never really about me, it was always about things that I wanted: to look good in my wedding dress, to have a baby, to be seen in public in a bathing suit.  And while these were all noble wants, they weren't long term goals.

But the diet would always start tomorrow.  Or I'd set unrealistic expectations for myself and the moment that I didn't meet them or fell off of the wagon or didn't go to the gym that one time - I quit.  I didn't allow myself the opportunity to redeem myself because my short-term wants did not equate to long-term goals.  And so I spent years with my weight fluctuating up and down - heavy one month; less heavy the next month.  But it was never consistently moving in a downward slope and I was never truly healthy.  And then I got pregnant before I could loose the weight that I wanted to and I gained 56 pounds (I just threw up a little bit in my mouth writing that.) on top of the 50 pounds that I had intended to loose before I got pregnant.  You do the math.  Surprised I had a healthy, full-term baby without any complications or prenatal diabetes?  Yeah, some days I am, too.

I was not active at all during the 9 months that I was pregnant.  I came home after work - waddled home, is more like it - on feet that hurt even though I had basically sat all day.  I craved oranges and chocolate milkshakes (although, thankfully not together).  And was still somehow surprised that between milkshakes and growing a human, I gained a lot of weight.  It's true that you do loose some weight after you expel said human, and I did.  When I stepped on the scale at my 6-week postpartum visit, I breathed a sigh of relief the the number had gone down.  But my weight loss hit a plateau because I wasn't nursing and I still wasn't active.  I spent the months following Finn's birth feeling extra heavy and extra tired and extra unambitious.  I have precious few pictures of Finneaus and me from his first few months.  I never put myself in front of the camera because I didn't like what I saw.  I was doomed to repeat the same cycle I had encountered before: the diet was always going to start tomorrow; I gave up too easily; I was looking for a short-term fix.  Or I used the excuse of being too tired with a new baby.  I went back to work and by the time I got home in the evening, I just wanted to play with my baby before he went to sleep, eat dinner with the rest of my family, and spend time with my husband.

When the opportunity to move away from the city fell into our laps - and with it, the security for me to stay home with Finn and Abby - we jumped on it.  Suddenly I would have time - time to exercise, time to plan and eat healthy, time to make a long-term weight loss goal.  But moving is a wicked form of torture and as my last day of work came and went and was replaced by the stress of packing, of finding a place to live, of unpacking, of dealing with the emotions of an uprooted 11 year old girl high on drama, I found myself as tired as I was in the city and with even with even less motivation and energy than I had when I worked full-time and came home to take care of my family.  I was suddenly navigating single-parenting while my husband worked 12+ hour days.  I felt as though I was doing it all (although, I think some of that was the high of the move wearing off and the stress of being in a new place with no family within a 3 hours of us for the first time in the history of all of our parenting years) and I found myself falling into bed at the end of the day a little bit uncomfortable with this new stay-at-home life that I thought I was going to love.

And then the best thing in the world happened to me.

I threw out my back.

We're not talking a little tweak in the back.  We are talking a full-blown, muscle-spasms, wrenched back; a pain that the pain-killers I had left over from giving birth couldn't touch.  It was worse than childbirth and, as I have now experienced both, I feel as though I can say that with some level of confidence.  I made noises that I didn't think were possible when I sat down or stood up or bent over to pick up the baby (because Finn wasn't walking yet) or laid him down in his crib (which was more like a tuck and roll maneuver that inevitably woke him up, not that I can blame him.).  Remember that part about Uriah working 12+ hour days at his new job?  That also meant that there was no sick time for him to be able to stay home and help me, or to even leave work early or go in late to give me a break.  I was on my own.  I went to the chiropractor without relief (and without insurance).  My husband helped me into bed at night and I stayed in the same position because, even though it's uncomfortable to sleep in one position without moving, it was more uncomfortable to try to move and when I did move, the pain woke me up. After x-rays and ultrasonic treatments (those hurt like a son of a biscuit, let me tell you!) and so many adjustments that I felt like the chiropractor was my new best friend, the pain started to ease.  I was still afraid every time I sat down that I wouldn't be able to get back up again and that the pain would return full-force.  But slowly that fear started to ease, as well.  I still woke up every morning so stiff it brought tears to my eyes, but the muscles seemed to loosen throughout the day the more I moved.  The best advice I got from my chiropractor was to move and keep moving.  And he told me, gently but firmly, that loosing weight would help this awful pain to not repeat.  I read between the lines.  I needed to do something about my weight immediately.

So every morning, bright and early, Uriah would help me out of bed, he would change Finn and slather him in baby sunscreen and carry him down the stairs for me because it took me at least 10 minutes to get dressed.  I took the stairs one at a time, one hand on the banister, the other clutching my back to make sure the muscles wouldn't spasm.  I eased into a chair, breathing through my nose and clenching my teeth, and waited for Uriah to put my socks and shoes on for me and then he'd carry Finn outside and secure him in the stroller.  Then we kissed Uriah good-bye, knowing he would be long gone by the time we returned from our walk, and we took off down the road.

Old ladies passed me every single morning on our walk.  I shuffled for the first mile, and by the time we hit the "turn-around spot," I could set a bit brisker pace.  And by that, I mean I could walk like a normal person, not shuffling, exactly, but by no means could my walk be considered anything more than a casual stroll to an on-looker.  We walked as the day heated up.  We walked before the mosquitoes got bad.  We walked every morning and sometimes in the evening if we were lucky enough for Uriah to be home before the sun went down.  Our two-mile daily walk - which had me huffing and puffing and sweating through my shirts - turned into three then four miles.  When Uriah brought home a bike trailer for Finn, we mapped a 5 mile bike ride on the trail and slowly increased it to 10 mile bike rides by the end of the summer.  I started to breathe easier.  My clothes fit a little looser.  My face stopped feeling so puffy.  I wore shorts for the first time since 1993.  I lost 20 pounds over the summer just by walking and modifying my carb-intake.  I felt like I had more energy in that one summer than I had at any point in the past 5 years.

The fall and winter found us walking less and less outside.  I started a part-time job and I tried to keep up with working out on a treadmill after work, but walking on a treadmill is a lonely business.  I much prefer to talk with Finn about leaves and birds and squirrels as we traverse the trails.  I like the smell of the trees and fresh-cut grass.  I like the way the wind cools me down.  I like hearing Finn's constant chatter and his fingers pointing out every truck and motorcycle and puppy that passes us.  I like it when Abby comes along; it gives me a chance to grill her on the intricacies of 7th grade life - it gives us a chance to be together and to show her that being active isn't just limited to basketball and volleyball during the school season.  I like it when Uriah comes along - he pushes the stroller and gives me a chance to swing my arms a little bit (arm fat is a funny, giggly thing.  I need to lift more weights.).

I hit a plateau this winter, though, and needed to change some things.  More to the point, I needed some accountability.  A low-carb diet works fantastic for me; my body seems to hang onto any carbs that I eat for dear life, so when I cut them out, or cut back on them drastically, I tend to loose weight.  However, it wasn't a practical lifestyle choice for the rest of my family.  I like to share a grilled cheese sandwich with my son and I really like mashed potatoes.  What I didn't like was feeling guilty when I did have something that was high-carb (crackers with my cheese snack, potato chips on our picnic).  I also needed to learn how to eat correctly - maybe healthfully is a better word - and what portion control really meant.  Since I couldn't do it on my own, and admittedly, I am my own worst enemy when it comes to weight loss, just before Christmas I joined Weight Watchers.

This is not an endorsement of Weight Watchers, although if you ask me, I will tell you why I think it's great and why it works so well for me.  Instead, I will simply say that I am learning how to eat all of the things that I love - carbs included - in moderation.  I am learning how to make small changes that won't cause my family to revolt on me - fat free this and light that - a little at a time.  I am learning that food doesn't taste different when I make those changes.  I am learning what a portion really looks like.  I am learning how to be active, eat correctly to fuel my body and, most importantly, I'm learning to be comfortable with the more healthy person that I'm becoming.

And after 4 months of following the plan, I can check an additional 20 pounds off of my weight loss goal.

Is every day a healthy picnic in the park?  Hell, no!  It takes time and patience - time, I have; patience, I lack.  but being healthy happens one day at a time.  Some days I really just want a hamburger and french fries.  Those are the days that I have a support system in place and I rely on it heavily.  Uriah will ask me if  I really want to blow all of my daily points on one meal.  Obviously, I don't and obviously I know that it'll just blow the rest of the day because it's not realistic to eat just one meal.  Instead, we come up with alternatives.  Yes, a few french fries are okay - if they're baked oven fries.  Instead of a hamburger, we'll do a turkey burger or a chicken burger.  Uriah helps me plan meals that are going to stay within my eating guidelines and I am very, very lucky to have him in my corner.

I am not even close to the end of my goal - I have a lot of pounds to go, but the momentum is there and I am well on my way.  I had to train myself that the weight was going to come off slowly this time, to give my body time to adjust and become comfortable with less of things.  This time, weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint.  My goal is to be healthy: for myself, first and for my family, second.  I want to bypass my family's history of diabetes and high cholesterol and high blood pressure.  This is all about me, my friends - but in a good way, this time!  I want to know that I can keep the weight off - or, if we choose to have another baby sometime in the future, that I can keep my weight in check and not allow it to get out of control (side eye to the milkshakes that I loved before!) and get back to a healthy weight in a healthy amount of time afterwards.  I want to continue to stay active.  I want to run around my backyard with my son and not have to sit down because I'm out of breath.  Most importantly, however, I want to set a good, healthy, and active example for my children.

And, selfishly, I want to wear a bathing suit in public without feeling self-conscious or embarrassed.  I told Uriah the other night that by this time next year I will be ready to take a vacation to Mexico.  And I will buy my swimming suit from Victoria's Secret.

It's all about having attainable goals, right?!

This post has gotten really long, thank you for reading this far!  It has taken me a lot of days to write and reflect, and honestly, to get up the courage to share it.  Weight and weight loss are such personal things and most of it is tied into more than just an inability to put the spoon down.  The thoughts and feelings that we each have regarding our own bodies can be the starting point for some really great discussions if we can first get past our own reluctance.  If we each make small choices, I believe that we can help each other be stronger and healthier.  If you've done something great for yourself, or for your family, to become healthier, sharing is always good!

That being said, join me on Monday, won't you?  I'd like to show you in pictures what a difference 40 pounds can make.

My intention in life was never to be a fat person, as I suppose it isn't truly the intention of anyone.  I didn't want weight to define me, and probably to most people, it's a non-issue - I like to think that fat, skinny, toned or beefy - whatever your body type, people look inside first.  That certainly is the case with my husband, who has never made me feel less than beautiful.  He finds me mildly amusing, he likes to hold my hand, and he tells me how much he loves me every single day.  The things he finds attractive about me have nothing to do with what the scale says.

But the fact is that I have allowed weight to define me.

Gaining weight is so easy; effortless, really.  It happened practically over night.  It happened in and around life happening - between jobs and boyfriends and moves.  It happened while I was falling in love.  It happened while we navigated family court.  It happened in the months leading up to my wedding.  It happened every week between Monday and Sunday.  It gained momentum over me and before I could stop it, I weighed more than I had ever thought possible for myself.  And even as the scale tipped in a precarious direction, I seemed unable to permanently change the course I was on.  My weight fluctuated based on what I wanted at the time.  It was never really about me, it was always about things that I wanted: to look good in my wedding dress, to have a baby, to be seen in public in a bathing suit.  And while these were all noble wants, they weren't long term goals.

But the diet would always start tomorrow.  Or I'd set unrealistic expectations for myself and the moment that I didn't meet them or fell off of the wagon or didn't go to the gym that one time - I quit.  I didn't allow myself the opportunity to redeem myself because my short-term wants did not equate to long-term goals.  And so I spent years with my weight fluctuating up and down - heavy one month; less heavy the next month.  But it was never consistently moving in a downward slope and I was never truly healthy.  And then I got pregnant before I could loose the weight that I wanted to and I gained 56 pounds (I just threw up a little bit in my mouth writing that.) on top of the 50 pounds that I had intended to loose before I got pregnant.  You do the math.  Surprised I had a healthy, full-term baby without any complications or prenatal diabetes?  Yeah, some days I am, too.

I was not active at all during the 9 months that I was pregnant.  I came home after work - waddled home, is more like it - on feet that hurt even though I had basically sat all day.  I craved oranges and chocolate milkshakes (although, thankfully not together).  And was still somehow surprised that between milkshakes and growing a human, I gained a lot of weight.  It's true that you do loose some weight after you expel said human, and I did.  When I stepped on the scale at my 6-week postpartum visit, I breathed a sigh of relief the the number had gone down.  But my weight loss hit a plateau because I wasn't nursing and I still wasn't active.  I spent the months following Finn's birth feeling extra heavy and extra tired and extra unambitious.  I have precious few pictures of Finneaus and me from his first few months.  I never put myself in front of the camera because I didn't like what I saw.  I was doomed to repeat the same cycle I had encountered before: the diet was always going to start tomorrow; I gave up too easily; I was looking for a short-term fix.  Or I used the excuse of being too tired with a new baby.  I went back to work and by the time I got home in the evening, I just wanted to play with my baby before he went to sleep, eat dinner with the rest of my family, and spend time with my husband.

When the opportunity to move away from the city fell into our laps - and with it, the security for me to stay home with Finn and Abby - we jumped on it.  Suddenly I would have time - time to exercise, time to plan and eat healthy, time to make a long-term weight loss goal.  But moving is a wicked form of torture and as my last day of work came and went and was replaced by the stress of packing, of finding a place to live, of unpacking, of dealing with the emotions of an uprooted 11 year old girl high on drama, I found myself as tired as I was in the city and with even with even less motivation and energy than I had when I worked full-time and came home to take care of my family.  I was suddenly navigating single-parenting while my husband worked 12+ hour days.  I felt as though I was doing it all (although, I think some of that was the high of the move wearing off and the stress of being in a new place with no family within a 3 hours of us for the first time in the history of all of our parenting years) and I found myself falling into bed at the end of the day a little bit uncomfortable with this new stay-at-home life that I thought I was going to love.

And then the best thing in the world happened to me.

I threw out my back.

We're not talking a little tweak in the back.  We are talking a full-blown, muscle-spasms, wrenched back; a pain that the pain-killers I had left over from giving birth couldn't touch.  It was worse than childbirth and, as I have now experienced both, I feel as though I can say that with some level of confidence.  I made noises that I didn't think were possible when I sat down or stood up or bent over to pick up the baby (because Finn wasn't walking yet) or laid him down in his crib (which was more like a tuck and roll maneuver that inevitably woke him up, not that I can blame him.).  Remember that part about Uriah working 12+ hour days at his new job?  That also meant that there was no sick time for him to be able to stay home and help me, or to even leave work early or go in late to give me a break.  I was on my own.  I went to the chiropractor without relief (and without insurance).  My husband helped me into bed at night and I stayed in the same position because, even though it's uncomfortable to sleep in one position without moving, it was more uncomfortable to try to move and when I did move, the pain woke me up. After x-rays and ultrasonic treatments (those hurt like a son of a biscuit, let me tell you!) and so many adjustments that I felt like the chiropractor was my new best friend, the pain started to ease.  I was still afraid every time I sat down that I wouldn't be able to get back up again and that the pain would return full-force.  But slowly that fear started to ease, as well.  I still woke up every morning so stiff it brought tears to my eyes, but the muscles seemed to loosen throughout the day the more I moved.  The best advice I got from my chiropractor was to move and keep moving.  And he told me, gently but firmly, that loosing weight would help this awful pain to not repeat.  I read between the lines.  I needed to do something about my weight immediately.

So every morning, bright and early, Uriah would help me out of bed, he would change Finn and slather him in baby sunscreen and carry him down the stairs for me because it took me at least 10 minutes to get dressed.  I took the stairs one at a time, one hand on the banister, the other clutching my back to make sure the muscles wouldn't spasm.  I eased into a chair, breathing through my nose and clenching my teeth, and waited for Uriah to put my socks and shoes on for me and then he'd carry Finn outside and secure him in the stroller.  Then we kissed Uriah good-bye, knowing he would be long gone by the time we returned from our walk, and we took off down the road.

Old ladies passed me every single morning on our walk.  I shuffled for the first mile, and by the time we hit the "turn-around spot," I could set a bit brisker pace.  And by that, I mean I could walk like a normal person, not shuffling, exactly, but by no means could my walk be considered anything more than a casual stroll to an on-looker.  We walked as the day heated up.  We walked before the mosquitoes got bad.  We walked every morning and sometimes in the evening if we were lucky enough for Uriah to be home before the sun went down.  Our two-mile daily walk - which had me huffing and puffing and sweating through my shirts - turned into three then four miles.  When Uriah brought home a bike trailer for Finn, we mapped a 5 mile bike ride on the trail and slowly increased it to 10 mile bike rides by the end of the summer.  I started to breathe easier.  My clothes fit a little looser.  My face stopped feeling so puffy.  I wore shorts for the first time since 1993.  I lost 20 pounds over the summer just by walking and modifying my carb-intake.  I felt like I had more energy in that one summer than I had at any point in the past 5 years.

The fall and winter found us walking less and less outside.  I started a part-time job and I tried to keep up with working out on a treadmill after work, but walking on a treadmill is a lonely business.  I much prefer to talk with Finn about leaves and birds and squirrels as we traverse the trails.  I like the smell of the trees and fresh-cut grass.  I like the way the wind cools me down.  I like hearing Finn's constant chatter and his fingers pointing out every truck and motorcycle and puppy that passes us.  I like it when Abby comes along; it gives me a chance to grill her on the intricacies of 7th grade life - it gives us a chance to be together and to show her that being active isn't just limited to basketball and volleyball during the school season.  I like it when Uriah comes along - he pushes the stroller and gives me a chance to swing my arms a little bit (arm fat is a funny, giggly thing.  I need to lift more weights.).

I hit a plateau this winter, though, and needed to change some things.  More to the point, I needed some accountability.  A low-carb diet works fantastic for me; my body seems to hang onto any carbs that I eat for dear life, so when I cut them out, or cut back on them drastically, I tend to loose weight.  However, it wasn't a practical lifestyle choice for the rest of my family.  I like to share a grilled cheese sandwich with my son and I really like mashed potatoes.  What I didn't like was feeling guilty when I did have something that was high-carb (crackers with my cheese snack, potato chips on our picnic).  I also needed to learn how to eat correctly - maybe healthfully is a better word - and what portion control really meant.  Since I couldn't do it on my own, and admittedly, I am my own worst enemy when it comes to weight loss, just before Christmas I joined Weight Watchers.

This is not an endorsement of Weight Watchers, although if you ask me, I will tell you why I think it's great and why it works so well for me.  Instead, I will simply say that I am learning how to eat all of the things that I love - carbs included - in moderation.  I am learning how to make small changes that won't cause my family to revolt on me - fat free this and light that - a little at a time.  I am learning that food doesn't taste different when I make those changes.  I am learning what a portion really looks like.  I am learning how to be active, eat correctly to fuel my body and, most importantly, I'm learning to be comfortable with the more healthy person that I'm becoming.

And after 4 months of following the plan, I can check an additional 20 pounds off of my weight loss goal.

Is every day a healthy picnic in the park?  Hell, no!  It takes time and patience - time, I have; patience, I lack.  but being healthy happens one day at a time.  Some days I really just want a hamburger and french fries.  Those are the days that I have a support system in place and I rely on it heavily.  Uriah will ask me if  I really want to blow all of my daily points on one meal.  Obviously, I don't and obviously I know that it'll just blow the rest of the day because it's not realistic to eat just one meal.  Instead, we come up with alternatives.  Yes, a few french fries are okay - if they're baked oven fries.  Instead of a hamburger, we'll do a turkey burger or a chicken burger.  Uriah helps me plan meals that are going to stay within my eating guidelines and I am very, very lucky to have him in my corner.

I am not even close to the end of my goal - I have a lot of pounds to go, but the momentum is there and I am well on my way.  I had to train myself that the weight was going to come off slowly this time, to give my body time to adjust and become comfortable with less of things.  This time, weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint.  My goal is to be healthy: for myself, first and for my family, second.  I want to bypass my family's history of diabetes and high cholesterol and high blood pressure.  This is all about me, my friends - but in a good way, this time!  I want to know that I can keep the weight off - or, if we choose to have another baby sometime in the future, that I can keep my weight in check and not allow it to get out of control (side eye to the milkshakes that I loved before!) and get back to a healthy weight in a healthy amount of time afterwards.  I want to continue to stay active.  I want to run around my backyard with my son and not have to sit down because I'm out of breath.  Most importantly, however, I want to set a good, healthy, and active example for my children.

And, selfishly, I want to wear a bathing suit in public without feeling self-conscious or embarrassed.  I told Uriah the other night that by this time next year I will be ready to take a vacation to Mexico.  And I will buy my swimming suit from Victoria's Secret.

It's all about having attainable goals, right?!

This post has gotten really long, thank you for reading this far!  It has taken me a lot of days to write and reflect, and honestly, to get up the courage to share it.  Weight and weight loss are such personal things and most of it is tied into more than just an inability to put the spoon down.  The thoughts and feelings that we each have regarding our own bodies can be the starting point for some really great discussions if we can first get past our own reluctance.  If we each make small choices, I believe that we can help each other be stronger and healthier.  If you've done something great for yourself, or for your family, to become healthier, sharing is always good!

That being said, join me on Monday, won't you?  I'd like to show you in pictures what a difference 40 pounds can make.

This week's weight loss brought to you by chip dip.

Okay.  So, results at this week's weigh-in are mixed.

Yes, I did get in my 3 work-outs (Yeah! And 3 more for next week.) but I realize that I was also counter balancing some weekend cocktails.  And my mom's chip dip.  And chocolate covered espresso beans (those things are crack-cocaine!).  I did loose some weight - not a lot and better than going in the other direction.  However, the lesson that I've taken away from this is to work out before I hit the weekend hard - and after, too.  But, I believe that the pre-planning is essential.  I think I could have lost a little bit more if I had just gotten my lazy bum in gear last week.

Let me tell you, for just one minute, about my mom's chip dip - aptly titled, Clara Dip.  It has cheese and black olives and guacamole and some other stuff that I can't remember right now (or just can't type because I'm drooling just thinking about that dip!).  It is happiness on a chip.  I ate a lot of it over the weekend.  I will neither confrim nor deny that I scooped it onto a spoon and ate it without a chip. 

However, happiness on a chip means layers on my hips (yes, I did just type that.).  Instead of your go-to guacamole dip or Seven-Layer Mexican Dip or even my own mother's sainted Clara Dip, try Avocado-Bean Guacamole next time you need some chips and dip.  It really does taste like guacamole and you'd never know that there is only one avocado in there and the rest of the dippy bulk is made up from a can of white beans.  And instead of eating chips, I've discovered Chip'ins, which are popcorn-type chips.  They taste like honest-to-goodness real chips.  But healthier.

And I like healthier these days.  I totally feel good about eating this dip while looking through the Victoria's Secret Swim Suit catalog that came this week.  And I promise, next year I am going to buy one of those swimming suits.

• ½ cup minced red onion
• 3 tablespoons fresh lime juice
• 15 oz. white beans, rinsed and drained
• 1 medium avocado, peeled and chopped
• ¼ cup plum tomatoes, finely diced
• 2 tablespoons cilantro, chopped
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• ½ teaspoon table salt
• ½ teaspoon hot pepper sauce
• ¼ teaspoon cumin

Put everything in the bowl of a food processor and pulse until blended.  Transfer to a serving dish, covered, until ready to serve.

Recipe adapted from Weight Watchers.

Makes about 2 cups total; approximately 8 servings. 

Thankfuls:

4. The world-wide interweb for fixing my baby.

5. Nurse-help lines.

6. Cinnamon-Raisin Bread

Okay.  So, results at this week's weigh-in are mixed.

Yes, I did get in my 3 work-outs (Yeah! And 3 more for next week.) but I realize that I was also counter balancing some weekend cocktails.  And my mom's chip dip.  And chocolate covered espresso beans (those things are crack-cocaine!).  I did loose some weight - not a lot and better than going in the other direction.  However, the lesson that I've taken away from this is to work out before I hit the weekend hard - and after, too.  But, I believe that the pre-planning is essential.  I think I could have lost a little bit more if I had just gotten my lazy bum in gear last week.

Let me tell you, for just one minute, about my mom's chip dip - aptly titled, Clara Dip.  It has cheese and black olives and guacamole and some other stuff that I can't remember right now (or just can't type because I'm drooling just thinking about that dip!).  It is happiness on a chip.  I ate a lot of it over the weekend.  I will neither confrim nor deny that I scooped it onto a spoon and ate it without a chip. 

However, happiness on a chip means layers on my hips (yes, I did just type that.).  Instead of your go-to guacamole dip or Seven-Layer Mexican Dip or even my own mother's sainted Clara Dip, try Avocado-Bean Guacamole next time you need some chips and dip.  It really does taste like guacamole and you'd never know that there is only one avocado in there and the rest of the dippy bulk is made up from a can of white beans.  And instead of eating chips, I've discovered Chip'ins, which are popcorn-type chips.  They taste like honest-to-goodness real chips.  But healthier.

And I like healthier these days.  I totally feel good about eating this dip while looking through the Victoria's Secret Swim Suit catalog that came this week.  And I promise, next year I am going to buy one of those swimming suits.

• ½ cup minced red onion
• 3 tablespoons fresh lime juice
• 15 oz. white beans, rinsed and drained
• 1 medium avocado, peeled and chopped
• ¼ cup plum tomatoes, finely diced
• 2 tablespoons cilantro, chopped
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• ½ teaspoon table salt
• ½ teaspoon hot pepper sauce
• ¼ teaspoon cumin

Put everything in the bowl of a food processor and pulse until blended.  Transfer to a serving dish, covered, until ready to serve.

Recipe adapted from Weight Watchers.

Makes about 2 cups total; approximately 8 servings. 

Thankfuls:

4. The world-wide interweb for fixing my baby.

5. Nurse-help lines.

6. Cinnamon-Raisin Bread

Today I will make better choices.

Around Thanksgiving, as I was bitching about being fat, being out of breath, having flabby arms and a jiggly bum, too many chins and obese earlobes - and probably making a batch Extra Chocolaty Chocolate Chip Cookies while I was doing it - Uriah finally got fed up and told me to "shit or get off the pot."  We have an open relationship like that, so I didn't throw the mixing bowl of cookie dough at his head and run into another room crying.  Instead, I listened to what he had to say, and if we're being honest, what he'd been saying for awhile: I could either do something about my weight or I could just shut-up about it.  Because talking, talking, talking - and I'm very good at talking - was getting me nowhere.

I find it sort of amusing that I use pictures to track how big Finn is getting because I don't really realize how much he changes until I put two pictures side by side.  The same could be said of me - I didn't realize how big I was getting until I put two pictures side by side.  Some day, I'll show you a picture of me right before we moved from Kansas City, when I was at my heaviest, and a current picture.  When I work up the nerve.  It's not pretty and it's causing me to dig deeper into why I eat.  I can't blame my weight on being "big boned" or being "ill-proportioned."  There are clearly other reasons.  So when we came back from Thanksgiving I started to control my portions, I eat off of a small plate whenever possible, I eat more salads and most importantly,  I track what I eat.  Every. Single. Thing.  And let me tell you, all those Christmas cookies that I baked did not get eaten by me because I didn't want to write down: Lunch: 5 sugar cookies, 2 gingerbread men and 3 chocolate drops.  Did I have a couple of Christmas cookies this year?  Of course, just not as a meal and not every day.  Is this tracking working for me?  Slowly, but the scale goes down every week, so something must be going right.

Today, I made some not so great food choices; what I thought was a decent breakfast turned out to be a death-trap in disguise.  I logged what I ate and it started back at me in huge bold letters: POOR CHOICE, HEATHER.  My heart beat a little faster, my palms were a little sweaty and I thought about quitting.  Tossing in the towel and saying, "Mother eff it.  I'm done.  Cause that breakfast was delicious!"

But I didn't.

Instead, I looked at the choices that I'd made and thought about what I can do different next time.  And that's key for me; that's a big step.  I didn't focus on what I should have done differently, because I'd already made those choices and I know that I can't go back and undo them.  But I can learn from them and I can make better choices next time.

And then I showed myself a little grace.  We all stumble sometimes.  The question is, are we going to lay in the middle of the road and continue to let cars run over us?  Or are we going to pick ourselves up, brush off the dust and continue forward?  I chose to move forward 4 miles with Finn in the stroller and by the time I got back home, I'd forgiven myself an indulgent morning and vowed to do better at dinner.

With that in mind, I really only have 3 New Year's Resolutions for 2012:

1. Make good choices, be it food, exercise, or words; but be kind to myself if I teeter a little (as I surely will). 
2. Loose weight.  Not necessarily to get to a magic number, although I do have one, but more to get to a magic feeling.
3. Run a 5k.

Do you make New Years Resolutions?  I'd love to hear what your goals are for the coming year.

Here's to tomorrow...a new day to start fresh.  

Around Thanksgiving, as I was bitching about being fat, being out of breath, having flabby arms and a jiggly bum, too many chins and obese earlobes - and probably making a batch Extra Chocolaty Chocolate Chip Cookies while I was doing it - Uriah finally got fed up and told me to "shit or get off the pot."  We have an open relationship like that, so I didn't throw the mixing bowl of cookie dough at his head and run into another room crying.  Instead, I listened to what he had to say, and if we're being honest, what he'd been saying for awhile: I could either do something about my weight or I could just shut-up about it.  Because talking, talking, talking - and I'm very good at talking - was getting me nowhere.

I find it sort of amusing that I use pictures to track how big Finn is getting because I don't really realize how much he changes until I put two pictures side by side.  The same could be said of me - I didn't realize how big I was getting until I put two pictures side by side.  Some day, I'll show you a picture of me right before we moved from Kansas City, when I was at my heaviest, and a current picture.  When I work up the nerve.  It's not pretty and it's causing me to dig deeper into why I eat.  I can't blame my weight on being "big boned" or being "ill-proportioned."  There are clearly other reasons.  So when we came back from Thanksgiving I started to control my portions, I eat off of a small plate whenever possible, I eat more salads and most importantly,  I track what I eat.  Every. Single. Thing.  And let me tell you, all those Christmas cookies that I baked did not get eaten by me because I didn't want to write down: Lunch: 5 sugar cookies, 2 gingerbread men and 3 chocolate drops.  Did I have a couple of Christmas cookies this year?  Of course, just not as a meal and not every day.  Is this tracking working for me?  Slowly, but the scale goes down every week, so something must be going right.

Today, I made some not so great food choices; what I thought was a decent breakfast turned out to be a death-trap in disguise.  I logged what I ate and it started back at me in huge bold letters: POOR CHOICE, HEATHER.  My heart beat a little faster, my palms were a little sweaty and I thought about quitting.  Tossing in the towel and saying, "Mother eff it.  I'm done.  Cause that breakfast was delicious!"

But I didn't.

Instead, I looked at the choices that I'd made and thought about what I can do different next time.  And that's key for me; that's a big step.  I didn't focus on what I should have done differently, because I'd already made those choices and I know that I can't go back and undo them.  But I can learn from them and I can make better choices next time.

And then I showed myself a little grace.  We all stumble sometimes.  The question is, are we going to lay in the middle of the road and continue to let cars run over us?  Or are we going to pick ourselves up, brush off the dust and continue forward?  I chose to move forward 4 miles with Finn in the stroller and by the time I got back home, I'd forgiven myself an indulgent morning and vowed to do better at dinner.

With that in mind, I really only have 3 New Year's Resolutions for 2012:

1. Make good choices, be it food, exercise, or words; but be kind to myself if I teeter a little (as I surely will). 
2. Loose weight.  Not necessarily to get to a magic number, although I do have one, but more to get to a magic feeling.
3. Run a 5k.

Do you make New Years Resolutions?  I'd love to hear what your goals are for the coming year.

Here's to tomorrow...a new day to start fresh.